I am retracting my last post Friends Forever? as it is – apparently – a passive-aggressive post that one particular person believes is about them when it’s actually about someone else completely.
I had originally written the post about myself after an incident with a former friend had occurred. I had, after all, written the following at the very end of the post:
Why do I end up becoming friends with people and then fail at being a good friend and maintaining the friendship? Maybe I don’t deserve having friends?
I’m a little confused about how something that I had written that was aimed at me not being a good friend was meant to be a passive-aggressive post aimed at someone else and how it was meant to be me shifting the blame to that person when all I was doing was blaming myself.
The person who had thought the previous post was written about them has since decided to point out all the things that are wrong with me in hopes that I will go fix them. They are summarized as follows:
- I am self-centred and have to have all things about me, which means I believe the world evolves around me and everything isn’t as important as me, myself and I
- I have the need to turn everything back to me
- I apparently get upset and mad when people tell me their feelings because I am that insensitive to other people (even if I am trying to think of something appropriate to say in an appropriate manner. Because I am insensitive to other people’s feelings, that means it’s a moot point)
- I get upset when others are upset, etc.
- I am unable to acknowledge other people half the time
- I am unable to treat people as friends, just as people I’ve met with whom I am not close with
- I lack social skills and empathy towards other people
- I am too harsh and blunt when talking to people
- I am insensitive to other people’s feelings and how they will react to me being blunt and harsh and just talking to them in general and I always end up throwing it back into their faces
- I only think about myself and no one else because apparently I don’t think anyone else is as important as myself
- I victimize myself, even when I look back to see why I am the person I am, just to make people feel sorry for me
- I blame others even when it’s my own fault and try to push the blame onto them when it’s me at fault
- I’m too lazy and unwilling to get help for whatever is that’s wrong with me, regardless of financial cost
- I take things without giving things back
- I don’t pay attention to when others voice their opinions and feelings and either shut them down and go back to talking about myself or just go to looking at my phone
- I repeat what myself and other people say and go around in circles without getting to the point because apparently I am never wrong
- Apparently things need to be send to me multiple times because I supposedly do not understand what is being said the first time around
- I apparently post bitchy things on Facebook directed at people (seriously, if it were bitchy and it was aimed at a certain person, I would have let them know about either by tagging them, posting it to their wall or even sending it to them in a message) and write bitchy passive-aggressive blog posts directly aimed at other people (again, I would have indicated if it were about a certain person other than myself)
- I apparently like to try and control other people’s feelings and actions, especially if I don’t agree with them. (How is that even possible?)
- I’m ignorant of my own behaviour and how it affects people
- I am not a good friend
So basically, I am not a good person nor am I a very nice one. In fact, I am a really horrible narcissistic person.
In light of that, this will be my last blog post until I can get my shit together.
To that person who told me all of that and if you are reading this, I hope you’re happy. I really don’t know how many times I need to apologize for not being good enough and for being a horrible friend and for not being able to change overnight.
I’m not sure how to feel about this.
I was told by someone over the weekend that they didn’t appreciate my attitude one morning and wasn’t going to come in and help with something because of it. The only reason they were helping was because someone else had asked them to. They confirmed what a little birdie had once said to me – that they didn’t want to work with me.
All because of a couple of text messages.
It’s not the first time this person has taken a text message from me the wrong way. It feels like maybe they think that it how I always am and don’t think that it’s actually me being nice via text message. For example, said person had left a note for me to tell me about some washing that needed to be done and I sent them a text message to thank them and that I had been waiting for there to be enough for a load. I had a feeling that said person thought I was mocking them by sending the message and I had to assure them that I was only thanking them for the reminder.
This is coming from one of the people who reckoned they were going to help me get better with my people skills and it never really eventuated as they basically gave up because they thought that I wasn’t going to change.
Looks like I’m going to have to continue to try and be better with talking to people all by myself.
There seems to be too many things for me to think about.
It feels like I haven’t quite dealt with things from my past which, in turn, makes me feel like it’s holding me back from being a better person than what I am now. I don’t know if – or how much – pregnancy hormones are playing in feeling like this.
I still feel like I’m not very good with my social skills. I feel like I’m too impatient and short with people but I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones or the effects of the bullying I was the brunt of during school. Perhaps I haven’t dealt with being bullied and made to feel like shit because no one like me. I still get the feeling every now and then that there are people in my life who dislike me and gossip about me behind my back. I guess that it’s human nature to gossip behind people’s backs, but it doesn’t make it any better or make it right either.
Perhaps I’m too used to being by myself because every time I tried to be social during school and made any kind of mistakes, I was mocked endlessly by my fellow peers. And having a so-called friend thinking she could improve me because she thought I wasn’t normal probably didn’t help either. Perhaps there’s still a little part of me that thinks that I’m going to be mocked by people for not being good enough with social skills.
School bullying wasn’t the only thing that messed me up a little. Having two grandmothers dying of cancer when they were still too young to die when I was younger didn’t help. One of my cousins who is only a year older than me is battling cancer. My last remaining grandparent is battling cancer now too, which he doesn’t need on his plate since he has diabetes and shouldn’t have the same disease that killed his wife. I’m worried that he would die while I’m pregnant and that I won’t be able to travel to our hometown to go to his funeral (there’s no way to drive there from where I live). It sucks that cancer attacks all the good people and not the bad ones.
With impending parenthood so close, I’m looking at how my parents are as parents. I don’t have many issues with my mother (it’s more her and my sister’s personalities that I have issue with). I have more issue with my father as a parent. He never paid too much attention to me and my sisters as we grew up as we were girls and he had no idea what to do with girls. He basically ignored us the whole time he lived with us and hardly paid us any attention. That is not how a parent should be towards their child, no matter the gender of the child. The whole ‘they’re girls and I have no idea what to do with girls’ ideology is full of shit. Just because one has girls does not mean girls can’t be involved in what is considered to be boy things. And just because you’re a father of girls doesn’t mean you can’t play with dolls with your own daughter/s. That seriously pisses me off that fathers do not get involved and spend time with their daughters. I really hope that the other half doesn’t do what my father did if this baby is a girl or if we end up with a girl in the future.
I really don’t know if there is any way I can recover from what has happened during my childhood. I don’t know if there’s any way for it to stop impacting so much on my life now.
I went to see a counsellor yesterday to talk about my communication skills and why I might have problems with it. We spoke about how I’m not much of a people person. We spoke briefly how I was bullied at school, about a friend who didn’t treat me so well, about three of my grandparents passing away, about moving interstate, about my parents separating a few months before one of my grandmothers passed away from cancer.
We spoke about how maybe I haven’t fully come to terms with what happened when I was growing up. We spoke about perhaps I am not suitable for a hospitality role as I’m not comfortable with talking to people. When I was getting bullied at school and tried to make friends, they would turn my words against me as a way to bully me, to embarrass me and to humiliate me. We spoke about how I seemed to be detached when I was talking and how immobile and expressionless my face was. We spoke about how I could make scripts in regards to small talk so I don’t feel so uncomfortable with talking to people.
I haven’t told my fiance that I’ve seen a counsellor yet. I’m waiting for the right moment to tell him.
He’s decided to cut my time at the pub back as he has realized that I don’t want to be at the pub as much as him. He thinks that I’ve been doing this deliberately and that my behaviour has been negative. He really wants the pub to be successful as he loves it and the area and the appeal of the pub and its scenery so much. He thinks that I’m not being supportive or positive about its and his success. He has given me an ultimatum – either I step aside and let him do it himself or be positive and help him with it or else I have to leave him and we end the relationship.
I don’t want the relationship to end as we have a child on the way. We both have been hurt by the end of our parents’ relationships. I obviously rate our relationship higher than running my own business but my fiance rates it the other way around because he is determined to make a go of it and not give up as he’s had numerous career changes in the last 20 years and he doesn’t think he’d be able to handle another career change before he’s old enough to retire.
I have no idea how to articulate why I don’t think I’m good enough for the pub in a way that my fiance will understand without thinking I’ve done it all deliberately or without getting hurt anymore. I really don’t know how I’m going to tell him more details about the bullying I was the butt of during school or the kind of friends I had when I was younger.
I feel like such a stuff up.
I feel like the biggest failure.
I started writing blog posts on things that have or may have contributed to me not being very good at talking to people. It doesn’t seem to be getting me anywhere.
You see, the manager of the venue I volunteer at thinks I’m destroying their name and their business because I can and they want to know why I’m doing that. The thing is, I’m not setting out to do that at all. I don’t know why I’m scaring customers away. I don’t know why I’m constantly rude or abrupt or don’t smile enough or aren’t nice enough or why I’m always offending or upsetting or angering people all the time.
It also doesn’t help that the manager of the venue happens to be my fiance and the venue happens to be his own business. It doesn’t help that he gets angry with me whenever I stuff up and I hear about it not only at the venue, but also at home.
It seems that I’ve had some issues with customer service for a few years now and it’s becoming really obvious that I’m not a good fit for the venue as I’m doing more damage than good to it.
That’s probably not the only thing I’m doing damage to.
I really don’t know why I keep behaving the way I do. I don’t know why I don’t think before I do or say. I don’t know why I can’t smile and be extra nice all the time or why I find it so hard to do that.
I’m going to see a counsellor tomorrow through an employee assistance program that my aged care workplace has recommended for employees. The reason why I picked them was because the poster stated they helped with communication skills. I’m not sure if anyone else has used the program but I might as well give it a go. I don’t know if it’s going to be of any help or any use to me.
I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do. Having someone getting angry with me every time I stuff up or there’s been a complaint about me isn’t helping matters. I don’t know what else is out there that would help.
I feel like I’m really stuck and that there is something wrong with me. I have no idea how I’m supposed to change and be a nicer and better person.
Maybe being rude and bossy is part of me being me? If so, how am I supposed to change that and get rid of it? If I can’t get rid of it, how am I supposed to hide it so it doesn’t rear it’s head?
Perhaps I should book in to see a counselor/psychologist about it.
The manager at my aged care job spoke to me today. Apparently they had received some complaints from a couple of my co-workers and a resident about me being gruff and dictatorial/bossy. I was wondering when that was going to happen. I was wondering if I was going to stuff up and how long it was going to take before anything happened.
I have figured out about two or three co-workers who could and/or would have said something but I still can’t figure out which resident it was. I feel pretty shit about it as I thought I was doing better there than at the place I volunteer at.
On the bright side, at least the manager was nicer about it than the manager at the venue I volunteer at. They suggested that I take a gentler approach to things. I am pretty grateful that they decided to deal with it in an informal manner than doing it in a formal way. I really do want to keep this job so I’m going to have to be really careful about how I approach the residents and my co-workers.
I was told tonight by the employer of the place where I volunteer at that no one wants to work with me and no one bothers to tell me anything because I’m too snappy and I have a bad attitude.
This was after I made a comment about some dishes that were left out and hadn’t been washed by another staff member. I was then informed that the staff member was told by the employer to do it back to me as apparently I have had left dirty dishes out by accident as that was supposed to encourage me not to do it if I get annoyed by someone else doing the same thing. I pointed out how was I supposed to know if no one bothered to tell me about it. I was then told that no one bothered to tell me anything because I was too snappy and didn’t listen and if I had actually listened more and snapped less, people would tell me more things. And then I was told that I blame everyone else for the behaviour when last time I checked, I didn’t.
I had a feeling that I was being ostracized because of the way I’ve been acting and that no one wanted to work with me because of it.
Being constantly told off and lectured angrily about it and being yelled at over it and being left feeling like shit, useless and like I’m a horrible and nasty person isn’t much of an incentive to change the bad behaviour and attitude towards the venue. It’s not much of an incentive to change if I’m being told I’m not getting any better and I’m still horrible and snappy and whatever else I do. All that’s doing is making my self-esteem and self-confidence disappear and making me think that I’ll never, ever change. Which means that I am never, ever going to change.
I don’t know why I bother trying to change or why I bother continue going to the venue when it’s clear no one wants me there, no one wants to work with me and I’m not very good for the place. It’s not like I’m going to change behaviour when I’m working there and if I do change, others attitudes towards me won’t change because they’ll still think I’ll be like I was before changing.
It’s a waste of time me learning how to be super nice to people. I shouldn’t even bother, really.
I found out from the employer of the place that I volunteer at that a regular customer told them that I was too cold and not nice to them whenever I served them. The customer is not going to come to the venue as often all because of me. The employer had a go at me over it. They’re really disappointed that I still haven’t learned how to be nice to people.
Basically, they need me to help them with the business and the new one they just took on. At least until they get into a better position where they can afford to have other and far better staff than me.
I don’t think that I can help them out. I seem to be scaring people away faster than what the employer can attract them. I told them that I shouldn’t be there working at all. They turned around and said that they are trying to minimize my time there but that they still need me there.
It feels like I’m way too detrimental than an actual help there. I really shouldn’t be there but now I’m starting to feel trapped. It feels like I’m not good at anything and that I’m not supposed to be there.
And one of the worst parts is I have no one to talk about it. I can’t talk to the coworkers there at the venue because I have a feeling they won’t listen or believe my side of things. I can’t talk to anyone where I work because I don’t want them to know that I have these issues and I don’t want to lose my job over it as I enjoy working there. I don’t have any friends that could sit there and listen and help me with any of it either.