I know I promised not to post anything on here until I got my shit together, but some things have been bugging me.
Like how I had starting this blog to trace why I am the person I am today and what I am going/trying to do to be a better person. And how this has been misinterpreted by others as being passive-aggressive to other people and how I somehow managed to come across as victimizing myself in the process.
Like how a former friend who thought they were telling me all the things that are apparently were wrong with me was actually pointing out stuff they were doing and who then proceeded to tell me that I was going around in circles and repeating stuff to them because they wouldn’t open their eyes and realize they were doing the same thing (or actually having the flaw themselves and trying to tell me it was my flaw and not theirs). Seriously, if you’re going to have a go at someone over their flaws and they point out that you’re doing the same thing as them or even pointing out that it is YOUR flaw and not THEIRS, don’t get angry or frustrated at them. What did you expect to happen when you start doing something like that? The other person to act happy and be like, ‘Okay, thanks for telling me that. I’ll stop doing that’ in a grateful and appreciative tone and give you a pat on the back for pointing it out? Don’t ask someone to change something about them if you don’t want to be told you’re doing the same thing/s and if you don’t want to change said thing/s.
I am going to sign off. I will be continuing to focus on making myself a better person. Hope you are all well.
With an ever changing and quickly growing baby taking up most of my time, I have missed the date for my two year anniversary for having this blog (hence why this blog post is a little late in the making).
Well, what can I say? This year’s blogging journey was certainly different to last year’s blogging journey. There has been a few big things in my personal non-online life happen – getting a job and becoming a mother, for example – that have changed things a lot for me. It has definitely changed the amount of time I have to blog (but perhaps create more ideas and inspirations to create blog posts with :D). I have grown a little as a person and as a blogger and a writer too (I think). And I seem to have started to go in another direction with the blog posts. Or just really added another dimension to things.
I can’t wait to see what the next year of blogging will bring and where it will lead to …
I’m not sure how to feel about this.
I was told by someone over the weekend that they didn’t appreciate my attitude one morning and wasn’t going to come in and help with something because of it. The only reason they were helping was because someone else had asked them to. They confirmed what a little birdie had once said to me – that they didn’t want to work with me.
All because of a couple of text messages.
It’s not the first time this person has taken a text message from me the wrong way. It feels like maybe they think that it how I always am and don’t think that it’s actually me being nice via text message. For example, said person had left a note for me to tell me about some washing that needed to be done and I sent them a text message to thank them and that I had been waiting for there to be enough for a load. I had a feeling that said person thought I was mocking them by sending the message and I had to assure them that I was only thanking them for the reminder.
This is coming from one of the people who reckoned they were going to help me get better with my people skills and it never really eventuated as they basically gave up because they thought that I wasn’t going to change.
Looks like I’m going to have to continue to try and be better with talking to people all by myself.
There seems to be too many things for me to think about.
It feels like I haven’t quite dealt with things from my past which, in turn, makes me feel like it’s holding me back from being a better person than what I am now. I don’t know if – or how much – pregnancy hormones are playing in feeling like this.
I still feel like I’m not very good with my social skills. I feel like I’m too impatient and short with people but I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones or the effects of the bullying I was the brunt of during school. Perhaps I haven’t dealt with being bullied and made to feel like shit because no one like me. I still get the feeling every now and then that there are people in my life who dislike me and gossip about me behind my back. I guess that it’s human nature to gossip behind people’s backs, but it doesn’t make it any better or make it right either.
Perhaps I’m too used to being by myself because every time I tried to be social during school and made any kind of mistakes, I was mocked endlessly by my fellow peers. And having a so-called friend thinking she could improve me because she thought I wasn’t normal probably didn’t help either. Perhaps there’s still a little part of me that thinks that I’m going to be mocked by people for not being good enough with social skills.
School bullying wasn’t the only thing that messed me up a little. Having two grandmothers dying of cancer when they were still too young to die when I was younger didn’t help. One of my cousins who is only a year older than me is battling cancer. My last remaining grandparent is battling cancer now too, which he doesn’t need on his plate since he has diabetes and shouldn’t have the same disease that killed his wife. I’m worried that he would die while I’m pregnant and that I won’t be able to travel to our hometown to go to his funeral (there’s no way to drive there from where I live). It sucks that cancer attacks all the good people and not the bad ones.
With impending parenthood so close, I’m looking at how my parents are as parents. I don’t have many issues with my mother (it’s more her and my sister’s personalities that I have issue with). I have more issue with my father as a parent. He never paid too much attention to me and my sisters as we grew up as we were girls and he had no idea what to do with girls. He basically ignored us the whole time he lived with us and hardly paid us any attention. That is not how a parent should be towards their child, no matter the gender of the child. The whole ‘they’re girls and I have no idea what to do with girls’ ideology is full of shit. Just because one has girls does not mean girls can’t be involved in what is considered to be boy things. And just because you’re a father of girls doesn’t mean you can’t play with dolls with your own daughter/s. That seriously pisses me off that fathers do not get involved and spend time with their daughters. I really hope that the other half doesn’t do what my father did if this baby is a girl or if we end up with a girl in the future.
I really don’t know if there is any way I can recover from what has happened during my childhood. I don’t know if there’s any way for it to stop impacting so much on my life now.
Okay, I think it’s time for me to get away from writing about the depressing stuff. Yes, I do have some things that I need to work through, but I have to start focusing on some positives as well. Just focusing on the negatives isn’t going to help me or anyone around me.
One of those positive things (for me anyway) is getting back into writing. I’ve always wanted to write fictional stories ever since I was a child. I’m going to have to get back into that and start writing some more. I can’t sit around and not write anything (even if I am good at procrastinating). All the published writers continued writing until they finished their story and continued writing until it was better than their best (unless you’re Stephenie Meyer hahaha).
I think I can write well. I have read books from a range of people – great writers, good writers, mediocre writers and bad writers. Books by good or great writers who don’t always write a good or great book every time they publish a book.
That has to count for something, right?
I sit back and think of the past
I take a retrospect look
And all the things that I have done
And think to myself
“Can I be better than that?”
I think of the people I’ve encountered
And how I’ve spoken and treated them
Could I have done things better?
Of course, I think to myself
I could and should have done better
I think of my failings
And all the things that I’ve screwed up
In the last few years
I think of past friendships from school
That I screwed up too
Maybe I wasn’t as nice as I thought
Maye I wasn’t as decent as I thought
Maybe I wasn’t a good social person
Maybe, just maybe, I’m terrible at
Faking it till I make it
Or maybe I am a horrible person
With low self-esteem and self-confidence
Who isn’t terribly good at social interaction
And pushes people away who try to be nice to me
By coming across as rude and cold