I am retracting my last post Friends Forever? as it is – apparently – a passive-aggressive post that one particular person believes is about them when it’s actually about someone else completely.
I had originally written the post about myself after an incident with a former friend had occurred. I had, after all, written the following at the very end of the post:
Why do I end up becoming friends with people and then fail at being a good friend and maintaining the friendship? Maybe I don’t deserve having friends?
I’m a little confused about how something that I had written that was aimed at me not being a good friend was meant to be a passive-aggressive post aimed at someone else and how it was meant to be me shifting the blame to that person when all I was doing was blaming myself.
The person who had thought the previous post was written about them has since decided to point out all the things that are wrong with me in hopes that I will go fix them. They are summarized as follows:
- I am self-centred and have to have all things about me, which means I believe the world evolves around me and everything isn’t as important as me, myself and I
- I have the need to turn everything back to me
- I apparently get upset and mad when people tell me their feelings because I am that insensitive to other people (even if I am trying to think of something appropriate to say in an appropriate manner. Because I am insensitive to other people’s feelings, that means it’s a moot point)
- I get upset when others are upset, etc.
- I am unable to acknowledge other people half the time
- I am unable to treat people as friends, just as people I’ve met with whom I am not close with
- I lack social skills and empathy towards other people
- I am too harsh and blunt when talking to people
- I am insensitive to other people’s feelings and how they will react to me being blunt and harsh and just talking to them in general and I always end up throwing it back into their faces
- I only think about myself and no one else because apparently I don’t think anyone else is as important as myself
- I victimize myself, even when I look back to see why I am the person I am, just to make people feel sorry for me
- I blame others even when it’s my own fault and try to push the blame onto them when it’s me at fault
- I’m too lazy and unwilling to get help for whatever is that’s wrong with me, regardless of financial cost
- I take things without giving things back
- I don’t pay attention to when others voice their opinions and feelings and either shut them down and go back to talking about myself or just go to looking at my phone
- I repeat what myself and other people say and go around in circles without getting to the point because apparently I am never wrong
- Apparently things need to be send to me multiple times because I supposedly do not understand what is being said the first time around
- I apparently post bitchy things on Facebook directed at people (seriously, if it were bitchy and it was aimed at a certain person, I would have let them know about either by tagging them, posting it to their wall or even sending it to them in a message) and write bitchy passive-aggressive blog posts directly aimed at other people (again, I would have indicated if it were about a certain person other than myself)
- I apparently like to try and control other people’s feelings and actions, especially if I don’t agree with them. (How is that even possible?)
- I’m ignorant of my own behaviour and how it affects people
- I am not a good friend
So basically, I am not a good person nor am I a very nice one. In fact, I am a really horrible narcissistic person.
In light of that, this will be my last blog post until I can get my shit together.
To that person who told me all of that and if you are reading this, I hope you’re happy. I really don’t know how many times I need to apologize for not being good enough and for being a horrible friend and for not being able to change overnight.
I’m not sure how to feel about this.
I was told by someone over the weekend that they didn’t appreciate my attitude one morning and wasn’t going to come in and help with something because of it. The only reason they were helping was because someone else had asked them to. They confirmed what a little birdie had once said to me – that they didn’t want to work with me.
All because of a couple of text messages.
It’s not the first time this person has taken a text message from me the wrong way. It feels like maybe they think that it how I always am and don’t think that it’s actually me being nice via text message. For example, said person had left a note for me to tell me about some washing that needed to be done and I sent them a text message to thank them and that I had been waiting for there to be enough for a load. I had a feeling that said person thought I was mocking them by sending the message and I had to assure them that I was only thanking them for the reminder.
This is coming from one of the people who reckoned they were going to help me get better with my people skills and it never really eventuated as they basically gave up because they thought that I wasn’t going to change.
Looks like I’m going to have to continue to try and be better with talking to people all by myself.
There seems to be too many things for me to think about.
It feels like I haven’t quite dealt with things from my past which, in turn, makes me feel like it’s holding me back from being a better person than what I am now. I don’t know if – or how much – pregnancy hormones are playing in feeling like this.
I still feel like I’m not very good with my social skills. I feel like I’m too impatient and short with people but I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones or the effects of the bullying I was the brunt of during school. Perhaps I haven’t dealt with being bullied and made to feel like shit because no one like me. I still get the feeling every now and then that there are people in my life who dislike me and gossip about me behind my back. I guess that it’s human nature to gossip behind people’s backs, but it doesn’t make it any better or make it right either.
Perhaps I’m too used to being by myself because every time I tried to be social during school and made any kind of mistakes, I was mocked endlessly by my fellow peers. And having a so-called friend thinking she could improve me because she thought I wasn’t normal probably didn’t help either. Perhaps there’s still a little part of me that thinks that I’m going to be mocked by people for not being good enough with social skills.
School bullying wasn’t the only thing that messed me up a little. Having two grandmothers dying of cancer when they were still too young to die when I was younger didn’t help. One of my cousins who is only a year older than me is battling cancer. My last remaining grandparent is battling cancer now too, which he doesn’t need on his plate since he has diabetes and shouldn’t have the same disease that killed his wife. I’m worried that he would die while I’m pregnant and that I won’t be able to travel to our hometown to go to his funeral (there’s no way to drive there from where I live). It sucks that cancer attacks all the good people and not the bad ones.
With impending parenthood so close, I’m looking at how my parents are as parents. I don’t have many issues with my mother (it’s more her and my sister’s personalities that I have issue with). I have more issue with my father as a parent. He never paid too much attention to me and my sisters as we grew up as we were girls and he had no idea what to do with girls. He basically ignored us the whole time he lived with us and hardly paid us any attention. That is not how a parent should be towards their child, no matter the gender of the child. The whole ‘they’re girls and I have no idea what to do with girls’ ideology is full of shit. Just because one has girls does not mean girls can’t be involved in what is considered to be boy things. And just because you’re a father of girls doesn’t mean you can’t play with dolls with your own daughter/s. That seriously pisses me off that fathers do not get involved and spend time with their daughters. I really hope that the other half doesn’t do what my father did if this baby is a girl or if we end up with a girl in the future.
I really don’t know if there is any way I can recover from what has happened during my childhood. I don’t know if there’s any way for it to stop impacting so much on my life now.
Today, I went looking for a dish that I could use as a lasagne dish. I went to a local brick-a-brac and a couple of local op shops. I also went into a local cheap $2 shop.
I wasn’t too impressed with the Asian woman who was working there. There was no smile, no friendliness, no eye contact. This got me wondering how I come across to people at times. Do I come across as this woman did, unfriendly and cold like there was a wall there at times?
I have to be more careful with how I deal with people in future and be mindful of how I act.