There seems to be too many things for me to think about.
It feels like I haven’t quite dealt with things from my past which, in turn, makes me feel like it’s holding me back from being a better person than what I am now. I don’t know if – or how much – pregnancy hormones are playing in feeling like this.
I still feel like I’m not very good with my social skills. I feel like I’m too impatient and short with people but I’m not sure if it’s the pregnancy hormones or the effects of the bullying I was the brunt of during school. Perhaps I haven’t dealt with being bullied and made to feel like shit because no one like me. I still get the feeling every now and then that there are people in my life who dislike me and gossip about me behind my back. I guess that it’s human nature to gossip behind people’s backs, but it doesn’t make it any better or make it right either.
Perhaps I’m too used to being by myself because every time I tried to be social during school and made any kind of mistakes, I was mocked endlessly by my fellow peers. And having a so-called friend thinking she could improve me because she thought I wasn’t normal probably didn’t help either. Perhaps there’s still a little part of me that thinks that I’m going to be mocked by people for not being good enough with social skills.
School bullying wasn’t the only thing that messed me up a little. Having two grandmothers dying of cancer when they were still too young to die when I was younger didn’t help. One of my cousins who is only a year older than me is battling cancer. My last remaining grandparent is battling cancer now too, which he doesn’t need on his plate since he has diabetes and shouldn’t have the same disease that killed his wife. I’m worried that he would die while I’m pregnant and that I won’t be able to travel to our hometown to go to his funeral (there’s no way to drive there from where I live). It sucks that cancer attacks all the good people and not the bad ones.
With impending parenthood so close, I’m looking at how my parents are as parents. I don’t have many issues with my mother (it’s more her and my sister’s personalities that I have issue with). I have more issue with my father as a parent. He never paid too much attention to me and my sisters as we grew up as we were girls and he had no idea what to do with girls. He basically ignored us the whole time he lived with us and hardly paid us any attention. That is not how a parent should be towards their child, no matter the gender of the child. The whole ‘they’re girls and I have no idea what to do with girls’ ideology is full of shit. Just because one has girls does not mean girls can’t be involved in what is considered to be boy things. And just because you’re a father of girls doesn’t mean you can’t play with dolls with your own daughter/s. That seriously pisses me off that fathers do not get involved and spend time with their daughters. I really hope that the other half doesn’t do what my father did if this baby is a girl or if we end up with a girl in the future.
I really don’t know if there is any way I can recover from what has happened during my childhood. I don’t know if there’s any way for it to stop impacting so much on my life now.