I went to see a counsellor yesterday to talk about my communication skills and why I might have problems with it. We spoke about how I’m not much of a people person. We spoke briefly how I was bullied at school, about a friend who didn’t treat me so well, about three of my grandparents passing away, about moving interstate, about my parents separating a few months before one of my grandmothers passed away from cancer.

We spoke about how maybe I haven’t fully come to terms with what happened when I was growing up. We spoke about perhaps I am not suitable for a hospitality role as I’m not comfortable with talking to people. When I was getting bullied at school and tried to make friends, they would turn my words against me as a way to bully me, to embarrass me and to humiliate me. We spoke about how I seemed to be detached when I was talking and how immobile and expressionless my face was. We spoke about how I could make scripts in regards to small talk so I don’t feel so uncomfortable with talking to people.

I haven’t told my fiance that I’ve seen a counsellor yet. I’m waiting for the right moment to tell him.

He’s decided to cut my time at the pub back as he has realized that I don’t want to be at the pub as much as him. He thinks that I’ve been doing this deliberately and that my behaviour has been negative. He really wants the pub to be successful as he loves it and the area and the appeal of the pub and its scenery so much. He thinks that I’m not being supportive or positive about its and his success. He has given me an ultimatum – either I step aside and let him do it himself or be positive and help him with it or else I have to leave him and we end the relationship.

I don’t want the relationship to end as we have a child on the way. We both have been hurt by the end of our parents’ relationships. I obviously rate our relationship higher than running my own business but my fiance rates it the other way around because he is determined to make a go of it and not give up as he’s had numerous career changes in the last 20 years and he doesn’t think he’d be able to handle another career change before he’s old enough to retire.

I have no idea how to articulate why I don’t think I’m good enough for the pub in a way that my fiance will understand without thinking I’ve done it all deliberately or without getting hurt anymore. I really don’t know how I’m going to tell him more details about the bullying I was the butt of during school or the kind of friends I had when I was younger.

I feel like such a stuff up.


About mypersonallthing

Musings from an unknown Writing about random things, books I'm reading and snippets from my daily life. View all posts by mypersonallthing

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