Sometimes, I can’t help but to think of the past where I’ve done bad things or done things the wrong way and therefore upset/offended people. This then leads me to think about why I did them, what they say about me and what I could have done better in those situations.
And then I think I’m not such a good person and that maybe I should consider becoming a recluse. I think being a recluse would stop me being a not-so-nice person to people when I don’t mean to.
But hiding from people is the easy option. It isn’t going to get me to being a better person and it isn’t going to get me to change my ways. All it’s going to do is keep things the same way, if not make them worse.
I then think of all the reasons why I am the way I am. I look at the kind of people my mother and sister and other certain members are. I think of the bullying I endured whilst in school and how I’m suspicious and wary of people’s intentions and how under-developed some of my social skills are because of it. I think of how unproductively I deal with stress and how I take it out on other people.
I then think I’m too fucked up to change and that it’s impossible for someone like me to actually change. I remind myself that I’m a horrible and nasty person who shouldn’t be around people because I’m too “rude” or considered too mean. Or maybe it’s because it’s all because I’m not very good at dealing with people and because I’m not naturally a people person. Maybe I’m too introverted or too naive or too stupid or have my nose stuck in books too often instead of having it stuck in real life. Or maybe it’s because I have very low self-esteem and self-confidence and a poor self-image.
One good thing about my starting this blog (besides from being able to write what I want without it being under scrutiny of family and friends I made prior to this) is meeting others who are supportive and encouraging and who are non-judgmental and understanding of aspects (if not all) of what I write about. I think that’s also helping a lot with me striving to be a better person. A lot of the comments I’ve received on here have helped me to some degree and I thank you for that.