I swear I’m having a bad few days. I got pulled over by an unmarked cop and put on the breathalyser. I wasn’t paying too much attention and saw it at the last minute go past and do a u turn to follow me. I hadn’t realised he was pulling me over until then since he was going in the opposite direction. I got a fine yesterday too and I was panicking about how I was going to pay it but my tax return came in so now I’m able to without having to be really skint for the next couple of months. My darts team lost our first semi final mostly because I made the mistake of putting the two weakest players first in the singles but we get to play next week so hopefully we win and get into the grand final. And this afternoon I snapped at a customer at the pub I volunteer at and gave them a bad look without realising it and have made the employer angry again because I still haven’t learnt how to talk to people and drop the bad attitude. The employer reckoned that if they wanted to go broke, they’d put me out the front.
I feel absolutely terrible now. I’m no good at being nice to people when I’m feeling down or like crap or sad or stressed. I’m horrible at faking it till I make it. I feel like there’s no way I’m ever going to be good at talking to people and pretending I’m happy when I’m not. It feels like I’m never going to change and that I’ll be stuck like this forever and never be able to talk to anyone with offending or insulting or hurting people.
I wish there was a job out there where I didn’t have to be around people all the time and where I didn’t have to talk to many people. I haven’t found one yet and I can’t stay in unemployment benefits forever (even if I did, there’s no way the government would let me).
I feel like a horrible person now. A really horrible and nasty person. I feel like one of those people who shouldn’t be around others and that I should be a hermit for the rest of my life.
I want to not be that person anymore but it feels like there’s no one there to support me. The ones that wanted to in the first place have given up and lost patience because they think I haven’t changed at all in the last couple of years.